


Palaven Shores

by CrazyAssSoul



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotions, F/M, Hope, Love, Past Rape/Non-con, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23712196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyAssSoul/pseuds/CrazyAssSoul
Summary: She stares at the blade, it could be swift, easy, and no one would know, not for awhile at least. For one more day she pushes back the demons, its one more day, she can do it, can she? She has decisions to make, choices and consequences, can she make the right ones, or push the last people away and succumb to her own demons?*Chapters may get heavy with depression/suicidal thoughts
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Solana Vakarian/Adrien Victus
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	1. The Decision

She held the knife in her hands. Odd, it felt so light, but she knew it was weight, the blade itself was no longer than her palm. She ran her thumb across the blade, small scarlet drops formed. She didn't feel the pain, there was supposed to be pain right? She supposed it was because she already felt numb. No matter how hard she pushed herself, no matter how much she wanted to be ok. It didn't matter. Every day ended the same, her smile faded from her lips, locked in her room alone, her thoughts haunting, tormenting, whispering to her.

She could have done better.

She should have done better.

Why can't she do better?

Everyday was living hell, trapped inside her own mind, fighting the urge to give up, yell at the world, scream that she had enough. It wouldn't matter, wouldn't do anything but have eyes rolled, no care, basic responses.

You're being dramatic.

Sleep it off, you'll be fine in the morning.

Why waste your energy on things you don't even believe.

But she saw her demons, saw her wrong doings, every choice she had, could had and ones she didn't take. The consequences of every action, thought. Demons chased her, taunted, laughed, pulled her mind in pieces so she couldn't pick them up again. She was trying, shouldn't that matter? Shouldn't that be all that mattered? She fought back the demons, the turmoil, she fought back the nightmares that haunted her waking hours making her believe she was seeing, hearing things that were never there. She was so lost she couldn't tell reality from her own mind.

How can one escape, when the thing you are trying to escape from is your own mind? She pressed the cool blade to her wrist, it would be easy, so easy. The pain wouldn't be there, she would slowly fall asleep, maybe it was for the best, maybe it was the right path. She meant nothing to those close to her, nothing enough for them to check on her, to see past her smile, her laughter. They didn't see the pain or ignored it all together. They did not want to care like they told her they did. They all went their separate ways, check ins turned into simple catch ups, then finally nothing, she really was alone finally.

Yet she hesitated, her hand dared not move. As much as it would ease the pain, as much as she would be out of her misery, what cost would she pay, others would pay. Her eyes locked to her wrist, the blade unmoving, her mind empty.

Why should she let them win?

With a quick jerk she moved the blade away, wincing as the pain came back, the heavy weight back on her shoulders, blood trickled down her arm, it would leave a scar, but she would live another day. Sighing, she moved to the washroom, the door creaking as it opened, grabbing the bandages she wrapped her arm, one more day, she could do one more day, right?

She made her way to the kitchen, the slight hissing of the coffee maker, she cursed to herself for forgetting about it. She could already smell that it was going to be burnt coffee, just another thing to add onto the day to push through. The coffee was burning her mouth, bitterness was all she could taste. Setting it down she sighed as she watched the cars go by her window, going on about their day, going to their jobs to return to their family and friends when done. She had been retired for 2 years, after the destruction of the Reapers, the council had given her the choice to retire, though her Spectre status remained intact, to honor what she did for the galaxy. As much as she didn't want to, she thought of the crew, their sacrifice and those who perished in the midst. It didn't take her long to make the choice, she kept up to date with everyone, mostly. No, she couldn't go down this path of thought again, she just took herself out of it.

Jeff and EDI had found an apartment on Earth, aiding with the technical abilities they could offer on setting up communication, salvaging any remaining technology they could. Jeff mostly helped train the new recruits on piloting, never giving up his love for flight.

Javik and Liara, well, they never exactly told her as Liara still remained as the Shadow Broker, Javik close to her side learning everything he could about the "new cycle", but when their paths came across the Citadel, they would stop by. It was always an awkward visit, but one she welcomed regardless, though it had been months since their last visit, or last e-mail.

Tali returned to her migrant fleet, she all but practically commanded them, helping relocate them on their home planet, working with Legion and remaining Geth. Tali informed her that she had found remaining traces of Legion with the help of the newly reformed Geth, the Geth helped piece them back together, it took several months but they managed to bring him back, he still wore her worn chest plate.

James, Jacob and Miranda still worked for the Alliance, she mostly heard from James. The hot head would always make an excuse to visit her, not that she minded, he would bring her home cooked meals and the most unbelievable stories, most of the time she thought he was bullshitting, but she didn't mind the company.

Jack trained with her students still, never in once place for too long, going from school to school, showing kids what it takes to be a true biotic. It was admirable how she went from the hot head, foul mouthed trapped biotic to the, well, hot-headed foul-mouthed teaching biotic, it was a small step, but a step in the right direction.

Wrex, Grunt and Eve remained on Tchunka. Their clan was thriving, Wrex and Eve had 4 children of their own with another one on the way. Even Grunt had 2 children which was odd in its own sense, considering he was still a child, to her at least.

They had their own lives to live now, their freedom from death, from the everlasting threat that some being was coming to destroy them all. It didn't get rid of all the evil in the galaxy, but it was a large step in the right direction for everyone, the humans were held in such high regard that their opinion weighed in on decisions, they actually mattered.

Despite her getting her freedom, despite the weight of the galaxy not weighing on her shoulders anymore, she felt empty. She still felt the weight of it all, she still felt the weight of every death and life taken for the war, from Cerberus, from Saren. Anderson had left her the apartment on the Citadel, it was large and could easily fit 2 families. Yet, here she was, just here, alone. She missed him dearly, she had managed to get his body back through, but there was no saving him, he lost to much blood, but at least he got the proper burial.

"Ms. Shepard, there is a Mr. Hackett at the door for you." The automated voice sounded throughout the apartment, shaking her out of her thoughts out of the spiral once more.

"Let him in." She heard the door faintly open and close, the heavy footsteps following, her brows came together as she heard 2 sets. "In the kitchen." From around the corner she watched as Admiral Hackett and the Primarch walk towards her, she poured herself a second cup of coffee, offering one to both of them, but they declined with a shake of their head.

"Hello Shepard." Hackett gave her a curt nod. "I hope we are not disturbing you so early in the morning."

"No, sir, just enjoying some burnt coffee is all." She gave the Primach a nod. "Primarch Victus, it has been awhile."

"Indeed. I do appreciate all the help you have given the Turians."

"Did it for everyone, sir." She lifted her mug, taking a small sip. "What brings the two of you?"

"Well, the Primarch here has informed me of a situation back on Palaven, he wanted some help and my suggestion was you."

"Situation? I thought everything was fine when the Reapers were destroyed?" She stood abruptly, hissing at the hot coffee hitting her hand.

"Easy Commander." Victus relaxed his stance, giving his best smile. "It's more of a personal situation, one that I hoped the Admiral would have a suggestion for. We have tried others, Jeff Moreau, Urdnot Wrex, even Urdnot Grunt."

"What does the old crew of the Normandy have to do with this?" Her brows furrowed at the concern. If the boys didn't go, it was serious if they came to her.

"Jane, it's Garrus." Hackett's voice was low, but she heard him, her eyes going wide, her hand began to tremble, so she set the mug down, her eyes flickering between the two of them. She felt every muscle tense, her mind both going through every memory and deleting everything.

"I haven't... I haven't heard from him since he made the decision to go back to Palaven. The communication all but stopped soon after he landed." She pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath in. Her heart fluttered for a moment, but only a moment. "I doubt I would be much help." 1 year, 5 months and 13 days ago actually, it was the last message he ever sent her, one she read from time to time.

"With all due respect, Jane." Victus rolled back his shoulders once more. "You're probably the only one who can help him. At first, we believed he wanted to help, and on some level, we all believed that's all he wanted. To help his people, his family. Over time however, his health began declining, he ate less throughout the day, all his focus was thrown into the restoration of Palaven, which I am thankful for."

"Wouldn't his family help him? Solana and Castis?" Her eyes darted between the two of them, she could hear the faint rumble coming from Victus which she ignored.

"It was Mr. Vakarian who reached out to me. Jane, are you aware of the Turian mate?" His head tilted to the side.

"He told me little about it, I respected his decision to tell me in time. From what I understand, some Turians can mate with multiple, species, others can mate only once."

"Correct." Victus moved around the kitchen island, his right hand resting on the counter as he watched her. "But there is also something called, how would you humans put it, soul mate. For Turians, when they mate with their believed soul mate, usually when joined, they leave marks on each other." She faintly touched her left shoulder, her eyes going wide, his eyes followed her hand, staring for a moment before looking back. "Being away from their bond mate, soulmate, whichever, can be detrimental to their health. Castis, Mr. Vakarian, has informed me he sustains the symptoms."

"HE chose to leave ME. HE chose to not contact ME." She rose out of her seat. "I feel for you and his family, but if he chose to do this, then why the hell would my presence help if he wishes NOT to see me."

"Jane, Mr. Vakarian is the one who asked Garrus to stop contact." She looked at the Admiral. "You know Garrus, how his family weighs on his decisions."

"If he cared that much, why didn't he tell Garrus to contact me again?"

"He tried, but Garrus only believes his father is testing him. I have spoken with both Castis and Solana, they agree."

"Oh, well, as long as they agree!" she threw her hands up in the air, all but throwing her mug into the sink.

"Jane."

"You don't get it do you?" she turned to both of them. The faint hum of Victus reaching her ear. "I travelled the galaxy to find him, I put him above everything. I should have died up in the Crucible, yet I didn't. I told him I would follow him, to Palaven, and he declined." Tears were pouring down her cheeks, but she was angry. "It's been 2 years. Give me one good reason why I should finally believe that after all this time, I should go after him, that I should care."

"He'll die believing you were a mistake." Victus took another step towards her. "He'll die believing that bonding to you, was wrong. I understand your anger, the resentment." He placed a hand on her shoulder. "But, if you wish to have time to think about it, we leave tomorrow morning. If you do not appear at the docking station, I will understand."

"Did you not consider that I don't want to see him?" Her voice was low, but enough both could hear her, she watched as Hackett stood taller, uneasy with a response.

"Admiral, if you could give us a moment." Both men gave a nod, she watched as Hackett left, hearing the door hiss open and shut she turned to Victus.

"I know you want me to save him, I don't know if it's because he is one of your own, or if you're pretending to care." She moved to the sink, giving her mug a quick was, setting on the drying rack. She looked down at her arm, the blood seeping through was minor, but it was enough to notice. "Did any one think that I needed to be saved? That I wanted someone to reach out to me? Did you not all think I had my own demons I fight with?" She looked at him. "I had everything on my shoulders, everything. All anyone ever did was make sure I was the one to blame for the downfall. I was the savior for maybe a minute before everything else came crashing down. I was forgotten, left behind, even by him. His reasons are his own, but he left Victus, he left."

"You are fighting a losing battle." His stance relaxed, his eyes going to her arm, she didn't hide it, didn't want to. It was for her own reasons. "You fight the mind, the nightmares. You see betrayal at every turn, you see no faith, love."

"Sir?" She brought her brows together.

"You forget, Jane, I lost many more lives than most. I was thrust into the power I now hold. I lost my son for the stupidity of my brethren." His hand gently took her arm, twisting it so he could look at it better. "It is hard, fighting your own mind. Your mind is supposed to be your savior, it is supposed to be your guide, not your nightmare. But this," He laid his other hand over the bandage. "This is never the answer. No matter how dark that mind of yours gets, no matter how compelling the demons voices are, it is never the answer."

"But- "

"Should you ever need someone to talk to. I am here Jane. I may not know much about humans, but the mind is always the same, no matter the body it inhibits."

She watched as he gave a light pat on her arm before leaving. She had forgotten, somehow, of his loss, his own turmoil. He was thrust into his role the same way she was. No one asked if they wanted to be there, they were just put there. What they went through never mattered to the outside world, but to the few who went through it, it was life. With the door closing, the silence filling around her, she had a choice she had to make, and she wasn't sure if she could make it.


	2. Old Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's made a decision, now what memories and troubles will greet her?

“Get everyone to the escape shuttles!” She tossed the extinguisher to Kaiden, bracing herself on the now collapsing Normandy.

“Joker is still in the cockpit, he refuses to leave and I am not leaving you.”

Slamming her fist into the consol she nudges Kaiden.

“I am giving you an order, I will deal with Jokers crippled ass.” She shoved him again to the opposite way, before heading off to the cockpit. Of course Joker would try and save the ship.

“SHEPARD.” 

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.” She yelled at Kaiden over her shoulders before slamming her fist into the console. She activated her gravity boots as she tried to keep her balance moving through the exploding ship, she would kill Joker if he died for this. Normandy was their home, yes, but this wasn’t worth it.

She reached just before the cockpit, where the galaxy map once stood, now all she could see was the planet they were heading for, the endless amounts of space and nothingness hanging over her head. She pushed forward seeing the small shield set up around Joker. Stepping through she placed her hand on his shoulder.

“Joker, we have to get out of here.”

“No, I won’t abandon the Normandy, I can still save her.” Her heart broke, she took his wrist stopping his movements.

“Joker, the Normandy is gone, we can still get out of here, we need to get out of here.”

“No, no, I can still…..” He let out a heavy sigh and reached up. “Yea, alright, help me out.” They looked out the window to see the Collector ship turning towards them. “They’re coming for another attack!”

She watched in horror as the beam took out more of the ship, rocking it harder, she could hear a bone break with Joker in her arms. She sprinted with him in her arms, all but throwing him into the escape shuttle. Another explosion caused her to lose her footing, making her grasp slip from the shuttle, she grabbed onto the wall to her right, swinging her body to face the shuttle, the beam in the way.

“JANE!” She watched as Joker looked at her with horror as her fist slammed down on the button, she watched as the shuttle doors closed and it launched. The next explosion caused her to fly through the remaining of the ship, her back slammed into the corner of the wall. She watched in horror as the Normandy exploded around her, pieces flying past her.   
She watched as the escape shuttle continued to move further away, away from the pull of the planet she was now crashing into. Alarms started going off on her HUD.

“O2 sensor not connected.”

She panicked, trying to reach around to the base of her helmet, it was now she could hear the hissing.

“O2 Levels are low, please re-connect.”

She turned every which way, her lungs heaving to get more air into her lungs which caused them to burn. She flipped herself around to see she was still heading to the planet, well crashing into the planet.

“O2 Le….v…...e…..s…”

Her HUD went dark as she continued to struggle, but her vision was becoming darker with every intake she took, and with every intake it felt like needles being pushed in her lungs. Slowly her vision wasn’t coming back, she tried clawing into her throat, she needed to breathe, why couldn’t she breathe? Panic rose as she continued to claw at her throat, nothing was working, nothing was working. Why couldn’t she breathe, why couldn’t

She awoke with a jolt, sweat soaking her clothing as she sat up, clutching her head which now pounded. This is why she hadn’t been on a ship in so long, even after the fall of the citadel, that was the one nightmare that came back, it was the one thing that reminded her that her being her wasn’t normal, she should have died and stayed dead but instead of letting her be in peace, everyone chose for her, not once thinking about what she wanted. Punching the bed she stood and changed into dry clothes, then leaving the room, heading to the kitchen area for a cup of coffee. As she waited for the pot to finishing brewing she heard footsteps approaching her, looking up she saw Victus. He smiled at her, but he fell when he looked her over.

“Are you alright, Commander?” He stepped towards the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water. She just shrugged her eyes returning to the small spot on the counter she seemed to stare at for the last 10 minutes. Hearing the coffee pot stop, she turned and poured herself a glass, plopping to spoons of sugar and some milk. Hoisting herself up, she sat on the counter, now staring at her coffee that warmed her hands. “Jane?” She let out a heavy sigh, taking a sip of the still hot coffee, feeling her top lip swell from the heat.

“Nightmare.” Looking up at him, she saw the worry etched onto his face. “From the first time I died.”

“From the Collector attack?” He sat down on a stool at the counter, placing his water down in front of him and clasping his hands together. “I never actually knew how you died, just that you did at the attack.”

“Yea.” She rubbed her thumb across the rim of the mug. “The Counsel thinks, well, pushes that I died in the final explosion.”

“I haven’t heard otherwise.” 

“Of course.” She gave a cold laugh, shaking her head as she took another sip. “They made sure that no one said a word.” She rocked her head back and forth, hearing the reliving crack that came from the stiff joints. “I floated.”

“Floated?” She looked up to see him staring at her.

“...” She brought her brows together, some words didn’t have the same meeting across the species, but she thought that would mean the same term. “I managed to get Joker into an escape shuttle before a minor explosion caused me to lose my balance.” She chewed her cheek as she looked back down to her coffee. “He blames himself you know… for my death, but I would do it again…” Shaking her head she looked off to the side. “I managed to push the eject button before the final explosion sent my flying, I ended up hitting one of the walls which severed my oxygen tank…”

“You were spaced?” She could hear him give an audible click of his mandibles. “That would've been-”

“Painful… yes…”

They remained in silence as she finished her coffee. No one got ‘spaced’ and lived. It was impossible, you had maybe 2 minutes for rescue, and even then. She gave out a cold laugh again earning his attention.

“At least I wasn’t alive for the re-entrance.” She gave a weak smile to him as she placed her cup in the sink, hopping down from the counter.

“Jane, I know I can’t possibly understand, nor begin to…” He stood with her as she walked by.

“I know you mean well, I know Victus. But some demons, some nightmares, no one can help with that.” Her voice lowered as she walked towards the Battery once more. She felt his soft grasp on her elbow.

“No one can take them away, but it helps to talk. It may sound stupid, but, find someone.”

She choked back tears as she removed his hand from her arm, giving it a soft squeeze. She placed her hands in her pockets, not meeting his gaze.

“I did have that someone…” She felt a tear slid down her cheek and she angrily wiped it away. “But things change, life happens, everything moves on.”

“Yes, but you’re here now.”

She shrugged her shoulders and went back into the room, speaking over her shoulders before closing the door.

“Thanks.”

With that she crawled back into bed. There was no warmth in this bed, there was no comfort. They would reach Palaven in the next 2 days and every day she dreaded more and more. She just found herself coming to the ship, waiting for everyone to show. They were just as surprised to see her there. She didn’t tell them why, and they didn’t ask, she took the battery because it was the only place on the ship that was sound proof, allowing her nightmares not to disturb anyone while they slept. She convinced herself every moment she wasn’t doing this for her, she wasn’t doing this for what they have. She was doing this because he had served under her and expected to come out alive and well, and she had failed on this front. She was doing her job as a Commander and nothing more. Yet every time she told herself that her heart sank just that much further. Her mind went to the what ifs and the what after. What would happen if she helped, where would she go? Back to the empty apartment that reminded her of every visit from her friends, from Anderson living there, to his recordings now in a pile on her desk. She had nowhere to go, and no one checked on her, not anymore. No one needed the ‘Savior of the Galaxy’ anymore, she wasn’t needed, she wasn’t wanted. Her demons and thoughts came crawling their way back in, molding around her like the safety blanket she was now used to. The intrusive thoughts, the negative weight on her shoulders. She curled in on herself as the voices mocked her, the voices of the past, the voices of the dead. 

She would never escape. 

Did she want to?

X-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

They had arrived at Palaven in midday. The sun was hotter than earth’s but it was welcome nonetheless, she stood for a few moments, soaking in the sun, before hearing someone clear their throat. Blinking a few times for her eyes to adjust she looked down to see 2 turians waiting for her at the end of the steps. Their clan markings looking like Garrus’s. Stepping down to meet them she glanced between the two.

“I assume Castis and Solana?” She extended her hand. To her surprise Castis took it, giving a firm shake while Solana’s was more soft, her other hand clasping on hers.

“I wish we would’ve met under better circumstances.” Solana looked at her with sad eyes.

“Life has its ways sadly.” She shrugged her shoulders, readjusting her back. “But I thought I was meeting you guys at the hotel?”

“I would rather you accompany us to the house.” Castis voice came out similar to Garrus’s but his was deeper, with more authority behind it.

“As much as I would love to jump in and get this show rolling, I would really like to shower.” Castis made an audible click causing Solana to nudge him while rolling her eyes she looked at her.

“We would like you to stay at the house.” Solana waved her arms. “Don’t worry, Garrus doesn’t live with us… well, not that you don’t want to see him, but with everything, I-we, just-”

“It’s, it’s fine.” She gave a weak smile to Solana, she watched as the young turian clasped her hands together.

“Oh, oh! Good, good. Ok, this way.” 

She watched as they both pivoted and headed to one of the sky cars. They didn’t speak much on the drive, but she noticed they were heading away from the city, the scenery was breathtaking that much she could admit. The tall trees reminding her of the Amazon rainforest on Earth. Though most of the forest was extinct, she still remembered learning about it and seeing the beautiful pictures. It was almost like Virmire. She could still see the city when they began their descent, from what she gathered they were about 20 minutes outside of the city. Stepping out of the car, she faced a 2 story building. Windows adorned the front of the house, allowing the sun to seep through, showing the massive interior. Following them in she took off her shoes as they made their way through the entrance. To her surprise, it resembled a human home, with the few furniture exceptions tailored to turians. The entrance opened up to a massive kitchen with an island and 4 stools. To the right was a living room with a door to the far left with the door slightly opened, assuming it was a bedroom. The living room had 2 couches and a few chairs scattered, the far wall was covered in bookshelves, they were mostly full. To the left were the stairs and the bathroom as well as the dining room. Through the kitchen on the far end was the backdoor to the backyard.

“I’ll show you the room you’ll be using and the bathroom you can use.” Solana, gestured towards the stairs. Watching as Castis made his way to the fridge she followed Solana. 

The stairs lead to a large hallway, the windows providing sunlight to the small seating area at the center with a small catwalk. It had 3 chairs and a small table, she could imagine having a hot cup of coffee and watching the sun set. Shaking her head she followed further. There were 4 rooms, with a bathroom at the far end of the hallway. Solana gestured to one of the rooms.

“You can stay in Garrus’s room or the spare room. They have a bathroom joined in between so you won’t have to worry about running into my father or I.” 

She peered into Garrus’s room, she wasn’t surprised to see it military clean except for his desk where a few weapons laid sprawled out and disassembled. She wanted to walk in, but shaking her head she moved to the spare room.

“For now, this will work.” She gave a sad smile to Solana who only nodded, lingering on her brothers room before following her.

“We weren’t sure what you would need, so we got you a little of everything. Shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush and something called a loofa?” Solana’s face twisted at the word causing her to give a soft laugh.

“It’s a type of brush to wash our bodies. Helps get rid of the dirt.”

“Oh, that’s such an odd word, why not call it a brush?”

She shrugged her shoulders and laughed again, setting her bag on the ground on the edge of the bed. 

“Is it ok if we talk in the morning?” Solana looked sad, fumbling with her fingers. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just, I slept in the battery, so a nice shower and soft bed will help.” Solana seemed to light up at that.

“The battery? By the gods, you would think the Primarch would do better than that! And those showers? Ugh, its like someone is pouring water on you with a bottle.” She tsked at the annoyance and headed out of the room. “Take your time, I have a call to make.”

She watched as the young turian stormed off, smiling to herself that the woman barely knew her but understood what it was like to live on a ship. Her smile faded as she realized she would’ve lived on a ship for months when the reapers hit. So many had to give up their lives, the luxuries they were used to just to survive. Sighing she closed the bedroom door and made her way to the shower, to her surprise the only big difference was the shower was huge, though she should have expected that for a turian house. After a few minutes playing with the dials she stepped into the shower, kneeling down on the floor, hugging her knees as the hot water splashed on her back, soothing aching muscles.

Why was she here? What was the point? As much as they were being nice to her, they were here helping because they were trying to save him, she was a mean to an answer, just another problem for her to solve, nothing more. 

After drying off and changing into clean clothes she crawled into the bed, it reminded her of the one on Normandy, she immediately sank into the mattress, the blankets coming around her. The sun was just setting, but her eyes were heavy. Hopefully, hopefully she would get some sleep tonight.

She hoisted the broken platform off of her, looking around she found Miranda on her side, pulling her onto her back Miranda gasped and grabbed onto her hand as she helped her up. She glanced off to the side to the edge of the platform where Jack was pinned under another piece. Together they lifted it off of her, helping her to her feet.

“Do you copy?” Joker’s voice suddenly cut through the comms. “Come on Commander, don’t leave me hanging, do you copy?”

She made her way through one of the tunnels.

“I’m here Joker, did the ground team make it?”

“Everyone’s here, we’re just waiting on you.” She turned in time to see a swarm coming their way. “RUN!” They bolted through the tunnel, she turned sending a few shots off into the swarm that seemed to grow by the second. Without thinking she turned and bolted, not caring about shooting, they needed to run, and run with everything left in them. Miranda tripped and without hesitation, she hoisted her back up. “KEEP GOING!” To their right collectors began immerging, they were being flanked and fast.

Jack threw up a barrier around them as they continued to sprint towards a small ramp that seemed to be the way out, or their death.

“JOKER WHERE ARE YOU!” She screamed through the comm as more collectors came from the left. An explosion knocked her off her feet, but she pushed forward again, Miranda was at the top of the ramp when the Normandy came into view. The doors opened and there stood Joker, holding a Lancer shooting at the collectors around them. Jack and Miranda managed to make the jump, she was half way when platoforms began falling causing her ramp to break. Glancing behind her the collectors and the swarm was gaining on her. She looked back up to the Normandy, all she could do was jump.

She ran with everything she had, watching as the three of them laid into the collectors. Now was not the time to second guess, now was not the time for fear. With the last few steps, she jumped, the air leaving her lungs as she smacked into the side of the Normandy. Arms grasped onto her as Joker and Jack pulled her up. The doors closed and she laid on her side weezing, her vision becoming black, lifting her hand, it was coated in blood, of course.

“Jane?” She could hear Joker's voice, but it was distant, her head rolled to the side as she watched Chakwa come into view. “JANE!”

Slowly everything swirled into the next scene, a nightmare much older. She groaned in her sleep, twisting slightly, her chest heaving as she tried to breathe.

She watched as Saren’s deformed body disintegrate. She clutched her side where he managed to swipe at her. For what it was worth, he had the right intentions, he just got lost in his own fear, which seemed to fuel the control from the reapers. They headed up the ramp once more, looking out the window as the Reaper began to fall from its grasp on the citadel. They did it, they stopped it.

She watched as the ships surrounded it, the explosion rocking the platform, she watched in horror as one of the legs came right at them, she turned to Garrus and Wrex shouting at them to run. They made it the the floor below when the entire room shook, she felt her feet leave the ground and be hurled through the air against one of the walls. She threw her arms up and a small barrier to help the glass and metal to stop from crushing her. 

Gasping she slowly moved the heavy metal sheet off of her, her right arm was definitely broken, glancing to her side, the small gash Saren gave her now was twice its side, her left eye was blurry from the blood dripping down her face. She had to move, she had to find Garrus and Wrex. Her feet failed her as her knees drove into the ground. Her left arm shot out to steady her, her vision blurring for a moment. Catching her breath she stood once more. 

She bolted upright, her fist coming out and connecting with something, she pushed up the bed, her back against the wall as she brought her arms up in a defensive motion. Her eyes came in and out of focus, the small light beside her bedside came on and she was met with Castis gaze. She was trembling, sweat beading down her forehead as she watched him. She noticed her hand was throbbing just as Solana came bursting into the room. She watched them with her eyes wide, her hands still visibly shaking and her breath uneven.

“I did...I didn’t mean…. I…” She couldn’t find words, her arms slowly lowering and hugging her knees into herself. She couldn’t do anything right. Her body trembled as she sat there, tears fell as she tried to calm her breathing. She jolted at the touch on her shoulder, to her surprise it was Castis.

“Breathe.” His voice was low, she couldn’t detect anger.

“But..but i.” 

“Breathe.”

She watched him raise and lower his other hand, not realizing her breathing was starting to match his movements. After minutes of her calming down, and her breathing returning to normal, he finally let go of her shoulder. Solana held out a glass of water, which she took. Almost choking on how fast she drank it.

“We all have our nightmares.” Castis’ voice came out soft, though he didn’t look at her. “You were screaming in your sleep. I had turned on the light and tried to shake you when you awoke.”

“I didn’t mean to hit you…” Her voice came out tired and weak.

“You’re a soldier in unfamiliar territory with horrors you’ve seen and witnessed. If you hadn’t of hit me I would be more concerned.” He stood then, nodding to Solana before leaving. “Come downstairs when you’re ready.”

“It’s ok.” Solana sat at the edge of the bed. Giving a sad smile. “He used to get them really bad all the time. Especially after the First Contact.” She looked out towards the door. “It’s not that he doesn’t like humans, it’s just hard to let go….”

“This is why I didn’t want to stay here.” Her voice came out a whisper, broken. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want anything to happen ...” She felt a hand on hers making her look up to meet the light amber eyes.

“You are family Jane. If you didn’t have nightmares, I think we would be more concerned.” She tilted her head at the comment.

“I thought you guys hated me…” 

“Come on.” Solana gave out a soft chuckle. “There’s much to explain.”

Hesitantly she followed Solana down the stairs to the kitchen where 3 mugs sad on the counter, each filled with a sweet smelling tea. Castis turned one of the mugs towards her, giving a brisk nod before giving one to Solana.

“I’ll be honest Jane.” Castis voice was stern, but nothing behind it told her it was malice intended. “I did not like you.”

“Dad!” She heard a click of mandibles before he continued.

“I thought it was unprofessional that a Commander officer was dating one of her fellow soldiers. I thought it was wrong that you should mix, not just the work but the species.” She stared at her mug, watching the swirling of the water from the teabag that rested inside. “But, over the years, hearing about your hardships, your heroics. How you never stopped to do what must be done. I realized you didn’t mix the two, you respected them, in their own right.” Her brows came together.

“Sir, I still dated your son as his Commander officer, any parent would assume I was taking advantage of my status.”

“Castis.” She looked up to see him staring at her, though his gaze was soft. It was then she noticed the greying of his skin, the way the blue seemed faded on his clan markings, she could see his age. “That had crossed my mind. But, when you perished on the Normandy attack.” She flinched at the memory, gripping her mug tighter. “When he went to Omega, I thought I lost him. He said someone had to rid the galaxy of the scum you tried so hard to get rid of.” She watched as he looked down at his mug, his breathing a little uneven. Solana reached over and grasped his hand, she turned to her.

“The day you showed up on Omega, when you saved him. We received a call from him.”

“When he was cornered at the building?” She thought back to running across the bridge, seeing his armor pop up over the balcony, his landing a concussive shot into her shoulder, she knew with every fiber it was him.

“Yes.” Castis’ voice sounded far away. “He called to say goodbye. He knew his odds, he knew he made a mistake running into that building. He called to say his goodbyes, to apologizing for being a terrible son.”

“But his tone changed, he said his odds got better. When we found out it was because you found him. It made sense. No one else could make him sound that happy.” Solana looked down, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

“When you were grounded to Earth. He knew, he prepared everyone as much as he could, because he believed in you. When he finally reboarded the Normandy with the Primarch, the first thing he said was he found you.” Castis moved around the counter, placing his hand on her arm. She could already feel the tears forming. “I knew the moment he pushed you away. I did not ask him to. He made that decision, I pushed him to stay with you, because without you, he has nothing to live for. The way he looks at you, speaks about you, reminds me of my late Marina.” She stared up at him in shock.

“We know you don’t have much, or think much of us.” Solana looked up, tears glistening. “But in all honesty, we hoped to meet you much sooner. Especially not like this.”

“You owe us nothing, you owe Garrus nothing. But you are welcome regardless.”

She stared at her hands for a few moments, her mind trying to figure out if this was a sick joke, a very sick joke to toy with her emotions. She shakes the hateful thoughts and before she knew it, she’s already speaking.

“I thought he hated me. That loving him was a fool's errand.” She let her sob choke out. “I thought coming here would just be another mission, that once he was better I would be back at the citadel in that damned apartment.” She hid her face in her hands. “But every day we got closer but heart just hurt. After he pushed me away for the last time, I thought I would never see him again, I thought I would be fine.” She choked on the tears that came. “But I can’t handle him leaving me, it hurts so much, like, like.”

“Like someone tore your chest out, that just thinking about them hurts every fiber of your being.” Castis said it as a matter of fact than a question making her look up at them.

“How…”

“It’s called the Bond Mate curse.” He moved around the counter, grabbing his own tea before sitting next to her. “Or, as you humans call it, a broken heart.”

“Except for turian’s, it can be fatal.” She turned to Solana who now stood where Castis was just standing. “For turians, when we find a bond mate, we become…” She snapped her fingers.

“Bound.” Castis let out a slight huff. “We feel what they feel, we become protective, almost animalistic.” She recalled the times when Kaiden was around, the way he seemed to puff out, not because he was trying to prove something, but now that she thought about it, it made sense. 

“So, he can feel what I feel?” She looked at them puzzled.

“No.” Castis looked away, standing he began to pace. “Well. Not anymore.”

“I don’t understand.” She began to panic. What was going on.

“He severed his emotions. It is almost impossible to do, but he believed we were testing him when we pushed him to go see you or just talk to you. Eventually he stopped caring about anything. It’s to the point he doesn’t sleep, eat.”

“Is that why I feel empty?” She looked at their concerned faces.

“You, you feel empty?” Solana looked worried, her eyes going wide before turning to Castis. “Dad.. if she feels empty.” 

She felt her arm being pulled to face him, he showed fear.

“What do you mean empty?” His eyes bore into her, she couldn’t tear away from his gaze.

“Like I’m empty, that some part of me is just, just gone.” The click of his mandibles made her jump, he let her go and shook his head.

“Solana call the Primarch. Jane, we need to go now.” 

She jumped up and rushed with them out the door into the skycar. Castis hardly waited for the door to close before he took off.

“What is going on?” She looked at the both of them alarmed. But they both said nothing, she sat in the back watching the trees wiz by as they seemed to be going at an alarming speed. It seemed like hours passed but she knew it was only minutes when they stopped at a tall building, landing on the large balcony that was not meant for a skycar. They hurried out of the car met with Victus and another turian who was carrying a case, she could only assume he was a doctor.

“Do you know where he is?” Victus spoke towards Castis who only sprinted towards the doors, they could hear a few turians complaining, but they ignored it as they made it down the hall, the last door on the left, without a second thought Castis burst through the door.

“Son?” They scattered as they moved around the apartment, she stood in the doorway as they each called out different names. Her eyes scanned the room, it reminded her a lot of her apartment back on Intai’sei. The small entryway littered with lockers opening into the actual apartment. The kitchen on the right with a large dining table in the center, and to the left with steps going down a large living room area looking out over the city. At the far end was a small hallway with 3 doors. This didn’t seem like something he would get. This didn’t seem right. Nothing screamed, Garrus. There were no weapons sprawled on the table, there were no personal belongings. This didn’t, it was wrong. Turning she looked back into the hallway, walking out she thought.

He was a sniper. The best she ever knew. He would think strategic over home. What had the best cover, the best seclusion. She looked to her left, the door at the end of the hallway. You would be shooting fish in a barrel. Slowly she made her way to the door, testing the handle, a small display popped up.

“Your password please.”

She stared at it for a moment and without thinking entered her birthday. A smile bloomed on her face when the door unlocked. She opened the door and gasped at how dark it was, the curtains were closed, the only light coming at the end of the hallway under a door. Without thinking she walked into the room, shivering at how cold it was, her feet making haste as the closer she got to the door the more she panicked. Her feet picked up speed, opening the door just as she heard the voices coming into the hallway shouting after her. She bolted towards the bed where Garrus was half hanging off, slowly sliding off the bed, his left arm touching the ground. He fell before she could get to him, and she shouted at the others. He was so cold, she couldn’t remember a time he wasn’t warm. She placed her hand on his scared mandible, she could feel his breath coming in and out but it was shallow, to shallow.

“Garrus?” His eyes flutter for a moment but closed again, she leaned closer hoping he would open them and see her. “Garrus? Come on, not again…” She felt the lump in her throat as she watched him try his eyes again, this time he managed to open them for a little longer. “Hey, hey big guy, come on. Keep them open ok?” His eyes began to close again but she lightly shook his head. “No. No you keep them open, you look at me ok?” His eyes closed but his breathing didn’t stop. She felt herself be lurched to the side by Victus while Garrus was surrounded by Castis, Solana and the Doctor, she watched as Garrus’ face moved her direction. “Garrus, you stay with me ok? Don’t you dare.” His eyes fluttered for a moment before shutting, his entire going limp. She watched in horror as she heard words being said, but he wasn’t moving, his chest wasn’t moving.

No, no, after everything, she promised herself she would tried. She promised herself he was the last light in her life that would give her meaning, without him what would she have? She couldn’t go back to living alone in the apartment with all her ghosts, with all her pain. She couldn’t live with the pain. Not again. The memories of Omega flashed to the forefront of her mind, no she couldn’t lose him. Not again.

She wriggled as best as she could out of Victus’s grasp while letting her biotics flare, she pushed through and straddled him, she could hear everyone panicking, but without thinking she let her biotics flow through her palms and pushed them into his chest, his whole body jerked upwards before falling, but his chest was moving, she placed her hand above his mouth, waiting, the room was silent, everyone held their breath and they waited.


	3. Fear

Everything slowed as she was hauled off of him, an arm snaking its way around her waist, holding her in a death grip. People were shouting, reaching, moving, but her eyes stayed focused on him, she didn't see if his chest moved or his eyes opened. As everyone moved, she watched as the world around her caved, tears blurring everything, she still felt an arm around her waist as he was lifted out of the room and her world tilted, not realizing her head dropped to the side, eyes closing, the last glimpse of him leaving the apartment.

She ran with Miranda and Jacob across the bridge, to her liking the first wave to hit the building only consisted of them, and maybe 10 men in front of them. 3 of them were picked off before they reached the building, she felt a bullet hit her shoulder, causing her to counter her balance. A concussion round? This "Archangel" had been taking out men left and right with no hesitation, she glanced up to the balcony, seeing the navy blue armor, long sniper rifle, she heard the next shot whiz past her head, she laughed in her head, of course.

Running into the building the last 7 soldiers were the front men, the "guinea pigs" before the heavier troops came in. She slightly slowed her pace as they reached the top of the stairs. She had been dead for 2 years, long years she had no control over, no one thought to ask her of this, to rebuild and throw her back into it all with no regards of what this could do to her. Most of the old crew had moved on, they had to take care of things she left behind, they had moved on, but here, in the room at the end of the hallway, he was standing there, she could hear his rifle going off, picking off the few stragglers before the next wave hit. Rolling her shoulders, taking a deep breath, she walked into the room. Miranda tried to speak, but he held up a finger before placing it back on the rifle, his last 2 shots rang out before he walked away from the balcony, resting the rifle, old and worn, against one of the couches as he leant against it, the hissing of his helmet coming off. He held a cocky smile and head tilt as he looked at them.

"You're supposed to be dead." His voice wasn't harsh, it was neutral, fighting with the contrast grin on his face. He was hurt, but because she had others with her, he had to play suave.

"And you're supposed to be on Palaven." She placed her hands on her hips, watching him, there was tension, sure, but she missed him, she hadn't realized how much until she met his gaze, something in him relaxed, just as it did with her. Despite her wanting to run to him, make it a joyous occasion, the soldier in her came to the forefront, they were still in a heated area of Omega, and now they had to figure out how to get out. "How many exits are there?"

"Commander, we shou-" She cut off Miranda with a wave of her hand, her eyes not leaving Garrus. Not missing a beat, he smiled and pushed off the couch.

"4, 1 we have constant eyes on," He gestured to the balcony. "The other 3 were closed off, but I know how they work, they're going to be busting open those doors like they're nothing." He lifted up his rifle looking back at the groups trying to kill him. "They have a heavy mech they're goin-"

"I already dealt with that and the gunship. The mech will turn, but the gunship was just disabled for longer. The shields will be done, other than that it is still functional." She gestured for the rifle wanting to take a look, he didn't hesitate.

"I thought I taught you better than that." He gave a click of his mandibles.

"I only awoke about 3 weeks ago, I'm rusty." She rang out a shot as one soldier popped his head out. Rolling her neck she handed the rifle back to him. "Jacob and I will take the lower floors, make sure they don't get through. Miranda will stay up here with you."

"I don't nee-"

"Don't care, she is staying up here with you. Jacob, lets go." She stopped in front of Miranda who held a displeased look on her face. "If anything happens to him, you won't be breathing, understand? I don't care how far the Illusive man has his hand down your pants, am I clear?" She raised an eyebrow as a bit of shock played over the womans face, it was the first time she showed something other than disgust or annoyance.

"Yes Commander."

"Eyes up, head clear, lets go."

-x-

Her breathing was hard as the last door was closed, that last run made her use most of her biotic reserve, resting her hand on the wall she coughed, closing her eyes, she concentrated on her breathing. Once it was back to normal, she shook it off, meeting Jacob's gaze.

"Did you always have that much power?" He looked both mortified and impressed.

"Yea, I just never thought I would have to use most of it, ever." She nodded towards the door. Her body ached in more ways than one, reminding her of her first week in Alliance training. Everything was going to hurt, to ache. They stepped over the few bodies as they made their way back to the buildings upper level once more. She had managed to let go a massive biotic surge not once, but 3 times, allowing Jacob to hit the override button for the massive bay doors, cutting off the Blood Pack. They made their way up the stairs, she could hear Miranda raising her voice, making her roll her eyes.

"We should just take them all out, we've secured the building, there's only one pack left."

"We'll run out of ammo, well before we get through the Blue Suns. They are the heaviest out of the 3, they brought a gunship to this, if we wait it out, we're dead."

"No, if we take down that last group, that's the entirety of the filth on Omega gone."

Her and Jacob watched from the door, Garrus was relaxed, trying to give a tactical retreat where as Miranda was wanting war, she understood both sides, but she also knew they had much more energy than he did. Her voice cut through like a knife, making them both stop.

"How long have you been held up here? No fibbing." She raised her eyebrow, watching him scratch the back of his head.

"4 days."

"So, Miranda," She stepped out of the door frame, glancing down to where the Blue Suns were trying to re-organize, not knowing how anything was happening. "You want to stay and fight the heaviest out of the 3 groups we have been facing with someone who just exhausted all of her biotics, woke up 3 weeks ago and have the best sniper who hasn't slept in 4 days fight longer than we need to?"

"One of the exits is fully cleared out, it would be a long trek but by the time the Blue Suns attack, we would be long gone and Joker could have the shuttle waiting." Jacob stood next to her, his arms crossed as he looked at Miranda.

"We have the advantage!" She watched Miranda, she clearly hadn't seen a fight in a good long while, she knew the symptoms of other soldiers, her mind flicking to Jenkins for a moment. Sighing she walked up to Garrus.

"Let-"

"YOU'RE MINE ARCHANGEL."

They turned to the far opening on the balcony, how had they not heard the gunship approaching? Tarak's voice rang out, the large gunship in view, few sparks here and there, knocking him out was the best idea she had so far. They each rushed to different areas for cover, she watched in horror as Garrus tried to make it do his rifle, watching him get riddled with the heavy gun, she knew his armor was strong, but could it be that strong, she watched him drop to the floor, itching himself further into cover, clutching his side. She glanced back to the gunship, but he wasn't watching them, he was out for Garrus. She bolted out and leapt forward, closer to him, they met eyes and she nodded for him to come to her, he was behind the couch all it took-

The explosion rocked the room, she watched as Garrus's body went flying across the room, instantly blue blood covering the ground as he landed. Something snapped. She felt every fiber, every muscle, snap. She watched as he laid there, gasping for air, his eyes closed, shots were being fired, someone was shouting at her, but she couldn't move. She felt her shoulder being jerked to the side, looking to her left she saw Jacob looking at her. Shaking her head her hearing came back to her.

"We need to take care of this, there's nothing we can do for him if we're dead." Jacob ducked out of cover, landing a few shots to the few soldiers climbing up the balcony.

Slowly she stood, her biotics rang in her ears, her body trembled with an aching tiredness yet anger surged around her. She was just getting started and she wouldn't lose Garrus to this filthy worm. It wasn't happening. Raising her pistol she slowly walked towards the gunship, ringing shot after shot into the windshield, bullets bouncing off her shield, she could hear Miranda shouting at her, but she didn't listen, enough was enough. Once she saw the windshield crack she smiled, she knew it was feral because Tarak looked scared, properly scared when you cornered a predator. Grabbing a grenade off her hip, she let out another surge of biotics, shaking the gunship making the crack into a hole, she saw shots going towards thankful that they caught on. Sprinting forward she jumped on the gunship, punching through to make it large enough, letting go of the pin she looked at him.

"You fucked up Tarak." She tossed the grenade into the gunship, jumping off and sprinting for Garrus, she could hear Tarak's panicked screaming, she threw herself over Garrus just as it exploded, rocking the building once more, part of the balcony coming undone with it. Sure they were safe, she pivoted herself better, shedding her chest plate she ripped the bottom of her shirt and pressed it to the side of his face, it soaked the blood as best as it could, her hands staining instantly.

"JOKER, GET CHAKWAS READY, NOW." She didn't mean to scream into the comm, but maybe the urgency would hurry his ass up.

"Already got the shuttle on the way. Chakwa inbound."

She didn't pay attention to Miranda or Jacob, she just kept her eyes trained on Garrus. As ragged as his breathing was, he was still breathing, his eyes kept fluttering. She watched as his arm kept moving, opening his eyes he looked at her, he was scared, and he had every right to be. Raising his hand he rested it on her wrist that was holding the shirt against his face.

"You're not leaving, not yet, I just got you back." She gave a weak smile, watched as he gave a soft nod before his eyes closed. She held her breath, she couldn't lose him, not now, she refused.

"Jane?" A voice startled her, she looked behind her to see Solana holding onto her, her grip had loosened but it was still there. "You fainted, I think you went limp for about 30 seconds and came back, are you ok?"

"Where are they taking Garrus?" She slowly stood, using the bed to hoist herself up. The scent hit her hard. It reminded her of the collector base, the stench of stale blood, death, everything was wrong, there was no Garrus scent, he always smelled of gunpowder and pine, it was the oddest combination, she knew they didn't have pine tree's on Palaven, but her brain could only distinct to that smell. It was him, and nothing in the room smelled of him. She moved to his closet, going through his old sweaters, coming across his old N7 sweater, the one she gifted him. He was every bit worth of the program, and more, leaning in she could faintly smell him and the Normandy. She let tears fall as she took it off the hook, hugging it close to her chest, how could she be so lost? In so much pain?

"They're going to take him to the city hospital. We can meet them there, they won't let you see him right away, but we can be there." Solana placed a hand on her shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze, looking up she saw the Solana was crying as well.

"What's…." Her throat closed at her sentence, she wasn't sure she was ready for the answer, if she was ready for him to be properly gone from this world. They had cheated death so many times before she wasn't sure if Death would allow one more time.

"They do their best." Solana wrapped her arm around her shoulders, they slowly made their way out of the room, but she stopped for a moment looking at the desk. There was his visor, slowly, with shaking hands she reached out for it. For as long as she could remember and from what she was told, he never took it off, not once. She saw the faded names etched into the side, rotating it in her hands she watched the screen come to life, a thin layer of dust coated onto it.

"He never… When was the last time you saw him?" She placed the visor on her head, smiling to herself as she closed her right eye, looking through the visor, it was slightly zoomed in at the moment, looking at Solana a heart rate came up on the screen, so this is how he knew he got her flustered.

"It was maybe 3 months ago?" Solana looked around the room. "He still had the visor on though, he must have taken it off just soon after."

"He must have stopped doing anything to take this off… It was, well, his everything." She reached up to touch one of the many buttons on the side, she watched as the screen changed to thermal, sonar, music player, then she stopped. On the display, there she was. She was holding her hair away from her face, laughing, slightly bent with her other hand on her knee. She remembered this day very well. It was their maybe 3rd date, real date. He had taken her up to the Presidium to shoot, of all things. He had set up a small picnic as well, it was adorable. In this moment she was laughing because she had missed the shot just as a strong gust of wind came through. She hit a different button and she found another picture of herself. She was sitting on the bar stool, head resting on the back of her chin as she looked out over the bar. They had time to kill and decided to meet at the bar for a quick date, he had managed to convince her to dance. She kept scrolling, there were pictures all the way back to when they first contacted on the Normandy, he had pictures of her trying to sneak a peek at him, of her smiling or laughing, a few of her sleeping in the rare nights they spent together. The last picture she came across she paused, it was the day he told her he was leaving for Palaven. That he was leaving her. Her jaw was tensed, tears down her cheeks, and her eyes distant, her hands clenched into fists. She was heartbroken and angry, this is what he used, this is what he put himself through to make it seem that she didn't want him anymore, to stop him from contacting her, she knew him better than he knew himself, and it only broke her that much more. Slowly she took it off, resting it on the desk before re thinking and putting it in her pocket.

"You ok?" Solana tilted her head slightly.

"He might want it, has some personal things on it. Plus, he might not feel so cornered if he has it."

They made their way out of the apartment only stopping to close and lock his door. They gathered a few of his things, but mostly just a change of clothing and any personal items he might need use of.

Although she felt a turmoil of emotions swirling inside her, there was only one that stood out and spoke the loudest.

Guilt.

Had she taken her own life that day, had she thought of everything to be over, it wouldn't just be her that was gone from this world, but the hate they would feel towards her because she was selfish in taking her own life when she could have saved someone else's. How could she?

How could they? Slowly bitterness came up to join. It wasn't her responsibility anymore. She was asked to lead a war, to save the galaxy time and time again yet no one took the time to ask, or check if she was ok, that she was still living, beyond that of a soldier, beyond the Normandy or the walls she built for so many years. They only wanted her when it suited everyone else, when she was needed they called upon her like an unwanted dog, but just like a dog, she came when called, because even fake love was still love.

Enough. Anger seeped in, swallowing her. This is not your fault, you did not ask for this life, you did not ask for these people to be in your life, you did not ask for the path you walk, the deaths and concerns of the galaxy on your hands. They threw this at your feet and demanded you fix it.

But what if she had walked away? The death count with be substantially bigger, the galaxy probably destroyed. Ah, sadness and regret, they swam through her veins just as her blood did. Even the deaths she didn't have direct contact with, were still on her. She couldn't save the people of the Bahak System, or the people indoctrinated on the ship. She couldn't stop the Collectors fast enough to save hundreds of colonies that fell to them. Maybe if she had convinced Kaiden harder, or if she had walked away from Cerberus.

She hadn't realized she stopped walking until Solana grasped her arm. They were in the main lobby of the building. Her vision blurred as her emotions crushed her like tsunami waves. Each hit broke her resolve that much more. Her knees buckled under the pressure, there was a weight on her chest, but there couldn't be, she was on her knees, she was fine. Everything broke, everything hurt and nothing was comforting, not even her own thoughts. Wave after wave she was losing her breath, this was both her fault and everyone else's. Looking up she grasped onto Solana's arm.

"I'm… I'm sorry…" Her voice was choked, the words barely making it out, but Solana brought her into a hug. Warmth enveloped her, protected her. She hardly knew this woman, this turian, yet here she was, breaking in her arms.

"You have nothing, nothing to be sorry about." Solana squeezed her tighter. "We're going to get into the skycar, go to the hospital, and when my brother wakes, we're going to yell some sense into him."

"But I… I cou-"

"No." Solana leaned back, holding her head in her hands, wiping the stray tears. "No, he knows this better than most. What he was doing was cruel and I want to know his reason for abandoning his mate. Father morals be damned, he was not raised to abandon at least that. Even father would understand that much."

They slowly walked back to the skycar, the doors hissed shut and they made their way to the hospital. As fast as she wanted to get there, there would be nothing they could do but sit and wait, but she would at least wait in the room he was to be placed in. She watched the tree's go by, the sun was just coming over the horizon, out of all the things she had been through, all the days in battle not sure if another day was around the corner, she knew with every fiber in her being, this would be the longest day of all.


	4. It will be ok...right?

AN - This chapter depicts domestic violence and abuse. I have written in italics, you do not have to read it! You may skip it and still understand what is happening.

It was a quiet ride to the hospital, she clutched his visor in her hands. Everything in her was confused and full of fear. Her mind clashed with each thought, emotion and urge. For the first few minutes she wanted to jump out of the sky car, get on the first ship she could and disappear. What would the galaxy think of their golden girl tucking and rolling while running away from a former squad member. She could feel Solana's gaze every now and again, almost to check to see if she was still in the car. It wasn't until she felt a hand on hers, covering part of the visor did she notice she was crying.

"Jane… We can go back to the house, we don't have to-"

"No… no…" The lump in her throat rose, as did the fear and anxiety. Her heart raced, thumping in her chest making its way up to her ears. Her cheeks were hot, everything else was cold, her body trembled and her voice was weak. The last bit of courage she did have, came out with every word spoken. "I'm afraid he'll send me away again and I'll go back to being irrelevant." She gave out a choked laugh and sob, coming out as nothing but pain. "I'm good for nothing until everyone needs something. Like now, no one needed me, no one wanted to see me. I was nothing to the word until I was the LAST option. It's a bitter and ugly truth, but it's the truth. I am a relic, I am only used when it is the last option or hope. If I mattered more than that, people would care, they would check on me, they would try. I tried every damned day to reach out and yet everyone, everyone was busy and slowly they were gone. My scars, my demons, my turmoil were all I had left..." Solana's hand gripped a little tighter, making her look up. Though her eyes were on the road, she could feel the irritated, desperate plea.

"I wanted to reach out." She gave a quick glance to the side, a click of her mandibles. "Well before I knew about you and Garrus. At first it was because you defied everything the galaxy, and it's people, threw at you. You stepped out with your scars, and you told them to fuck off. As a female, I was proud." The car stopped in the hospital parking lot, but they didn't move, instead Solana rotated herself so they were facing each other. "As the years went by, it was more of a, a way to check up on you. Make sure you were ok. Especially after hearing about Cerberus and how they brought you back, you woke to nothing being the same, nothing right and the people you bonded to, gone. It was then I knew about you and Garrus, and the day you saved him on Omega. He was so full of pride, of life." Solana gently took the visor, smiling at it. "I think…. I think there is more to him walking away than simply my dad being, well, my dad, and you can't find those answers until you ask them, otherwise you are stuck in a hole there is no coming out of." She gave a soft laugh before meeting her eyes once more. "I should've reached out when I wanted to, I should've done something, and I am sorry you lost so much, but if it helps, no matter what happens, you have me."

She stared at her, she wasn't sure for how long, but she just stared. Although ever dark part of her mind was screaming she was lying, that this was a trick, a feeble lie she was trying to escape so she could save Garrus. That small part, the one she hadn't felt in so long, flickered against everything. Even if she was lying, even if it was for Garrus, wouldn't it be nice if it was real? That after everything, after everyone, she would have someone? Her chest constricted and she let out a nervous laugh. Solana tilted her head and gave a smile. It was then she noticed the tears. They had both been crying, she was so lost in everything, she didn't see the genuine feeling behind her words. There were a million thoughts she wanted to get out, so many words to whisper and scream, that little flicker grew, and before she could think.

"Thank you."

After collecting themselves, allowing them to cry, even a few laughs here and there. They stepped out into the parking lot, each a bag in their hand as they made their way up to the doors and reception.

"Let's see why my brother dearest is being so dramatic shall we?" This earned a laugh from both of them. It was awkward, but nice to have someone who knew Garrus as intimate as she did.

-x-

It was going on the second week, they all took turns returning to the house getting fresh clothes and showering. To her surprise, they even talked about their lives, how they grew up, how they lost Marina, their mother. They would take turns sitting nexting to Garrus, though she never dared to touch him. The monitors all beeped, everything was back to normal, but he wouldn't wake up. The doctors could only guess it was from the stress he not only put on his body, but as well as his mind throughout the years.

His skin was grey, as though he lost some pigmentation in his skin. The blue clan markings stood out almost making her nauseous with how bright they seemed in contrast. She would often sit in silence as they spoke to him, reminiscing of old times, though it made her smile, it also brought her demons out to the fact that she was strong to be here, but she couldn't speak to him, not even when he was sleeping, she could just be there for him. Solana had sat on the edge of the bed, lightly taking his hand in hers as she began another story from when he first joined C-Sec, with a sudden rush of guilt, anxiety she left the room. She made her way down the hall only to stop, her arms clutching around herself as she leaned against the wall.

What was she doing here? What was her purpose? She could do nothing for him, and if he woke, would he even want her here? What was the point in any of it if he was just going to do it all again? It was the same cycle she had been living with her entire life, and it only served to bring more pain, no matter how much good she did for everyone else, no matter how hard she tried to help everyone above herself, she was still the one being punished. Her fingers dug into her arms as she stared at the ground, the lump in her throat returning and disappearing with each painful breath. What good was she?

"Jane?" She jumped at her name and the warmth on her shoulder. Glancing up she saw both Victus and Castis staring at her in concern.

"I'm fine…. I'm fine…" She tried to smile, but all she could do was twitch the corner of her lip. She casted her eyes to the ground again, her brows furrowing. "Just, tired."

"You forget that were fathers, Jane." She looked up at them confused. Only earning a chuckle from Victus. "No matter the species, parents always have a, sense to these things." He gestured to the small sitting area at the end of the hallway, reluctantly she walked towards them. Sitting she brought her knees up to her chest, her arms resting on them as she picked at her nails.

"We won't pry Jane. Neither will Solana, but if you do want an ear, you have plenty." Castis rested his elbows on the chair, his hands coming together, tilting his head he gave a soft click of his mandibles, which over the years with Garrus had narrowed it down to some sort of affection.

"You've been through more hells than any being should be put through, anyone who's sane, or served would know there are demons." Victus leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees as he looked at the floor. "There is always a price when saving people."

"But, what if…." She felt the tears pool, the lump in her throat hard. Everything scratched at her to shut up, just say she was upset that Garrus wasn't awake yet, anything, anything but the truth. She hadn't known these people long, she knew Victus the longest, but the way they all interacted with each other, she knew they were a family, and they had welcomed her, after everything she had done, they still welcomed her and it was something, even the Normandy couldn't give her this feeling. With a heavy, shaking breath, she let words tumble out, like something had been released.

"I just, I've been hurt before, left to rot in the corner. And everything, everything in me is screaming, clawing and demanding that I leave before I can be hurt again." Angrily she wiped the tears. "I know Garrus wouldn't hurt me, not like that, never, like that. But, I... What is the point in me being here if I'm not wanted here? What is the point in me trying and when he wakes he's just going to send me away. What if Conrad was right!" She smacked her hand over her mouth, trying not to vomit at the name that managed to crawl out of the deepest of hells in her mind.

"Conrad?" Victus clicked with his mandibles. Glancing up, something in his demeanor changed. "You mean the fan that followed you around the citadel?"

"Oh, that man. He followed Garrus a few-"

"He what?" She stared at Castis, everything stopped, the tears, the shaking, everything, stopped.

"Garrus, was on a call with me just after you guys left the market, said there was a man you beckoned you over and you punched him for the … second time? He was following Garrus and he asked what he should do about it. I told him to just leave it be, as he was probably a fan of the Normandy and the crew."

"That… that…." She didn't know what to think, to think that in seconds he could have ended Garrus, to think that he could follow them so easily, it scared her. Then she stopped, how would Connor know anything about where the crew walked, what their routines were, any of that, without help.

"Victus, I need you to do something." Her eyes glanced everywhere, checking every inch of each hallway she could see, making sure there was no one she recognized.

"Your state changed… You've gone through-" He stopped when she looked at him, and for the first time since she joined the Alliance, she was scared and he knew it, they both knew it. "What is it?"

"You need to look into someone, and you can't have it link back to me, because if it is, you'll get nothing." She stood and beckoned them to follow back to Garrus's room. Once inside she shut the door ignoring at a now concerned Solana. "His name is Conrad Verner. You need to look into any communications he's had, including the Normandy crew."

"Jane? What's going on?" All of them looked at her with concern, she looked over at Garrus, he had stirred a little in his sleep though that was normal. Looking back at them she sighed.

"He's an ex-fiance." Her brows came together as they looked at her, ranges of emotions but confusion most of all. "I… I didn't want to, it was my mother's idea… He was a soldier, or wanting to be, he kept up appearances, seemed to charm some of the ladies but…." This time, she did move to Garrus, with a shaking hand she grasped his lightly, and she could have sworn he squeezed back, but she knew, it was just her own hand moving. "He was a cruel man behind closed doors, I had no training before hand, I was young, he was a little older, and my mother thought it would be a great idea to 'set me straight'." She looked back up at them, she went to move her hand, but his squeezed a little tighter making her look down at their hands then to his face, his brows had come together, as though he was listening. "Some nights were worse than others, and some nights, well, it was just a hit or throw. One night got out of hand, so bad that I couldn't bring myself to stand and I had to drag myself across the apartment." She began to shake, only Anderson, Jack and Tali knew about this. The memory flooded her head as she held tighter to Garrus's hand.

She wanted to tuck her knee's against herself, try anything, something to protect the last bit of strength she said, but her legs were limp, she was being propped up in the corner of the room, her hair a matted mess, she could feel the grim on her body. She should be in pain, she should be aching from anything, but nothing in her could bring that forward. All she could do was stare, stare at the man she thought loved her, thought that she loved him, as he brought his pants back up, smoke against his lip as he looked at her.

"I told you, you're not joining no military, hell, you can't even fight a man." He walked towards her, kneeling in front of her. The grasp on her chin was tight, but she couldn't feel the pain behind it. She watched in slow motion as he brought the cigarette to her face. She could hear the sizzle against her cheek, but she couldn't feel it. She was so numb. "Shower after I leave." He patted her cheek a few times before grabbing his shirt and walking out of their apartment. She wasn't sure how long she laid there, how long she stared at the wall, tears in her eyes, numb to the world. Slowly, almost agonizingly she managed to make her way to the bedside table. Grabbing the small tablet, she winced at the bright light that came when it turned on. Scrolling she paused at her mother's name. They hadn't spoken in years, as far as she knew, she was on some distant planet, long gone from earth, but her heart tugged, maybe, just maybe she would pick up this time.

Her finger hovered over the call button, remembering the last time she attempted to reach out. She had blacked out from him choking her out finding out she applied to the Alliance program. Both her parents served, well, her fathered passed while he was aiding a planet raided by the Batarians. Her mother was never the same after that. She had pleaded with her mother over the call, but she simply shrugged her off, tired of the lies and that Conner was a sweet man, would never do such a thing.

She scrolled again, not sure who to call, after they moved in together, he wanted full control of her life. Who she spoke to, hung out with, interacted with. She was only allowed to leave with him and if he found out she left without his permission, well, nights like these happened.

David Anderson - Captain and Recruiter for the Alliance Training Program.

She stopped, maybe, maybe he would answer? It wouldn't be odd for a candidate to reach out. Without thinking she hit call. Clutching the tablet she crawled towards the bathroom, she closed the door, reaching up to lock it and leaned against it. That's when she heard the click.

He answered…

He answered…

"Hello, this is Captain Anderson."

"I… You…" Her words seemed to stumble over themselves, she wasn't expecting him to answer, she was a nobody, nothing to him, yet he answered.

"May I ask who this is?"

"I… I'm Jane…. I applied…" Her voice cracked as she choked on a sob, she wasn't sure what to do. She jumped as the front door was slammed opened, she thought she had more time, surely he would be gone for hours?

"JANE." He pounded on the door. "You better be getting in the damned shower, I don't hear water running."

"I...I tripped getting into the washroom, I'll be 20 minutes." She crawled over to the shower, turning the nobs, making it sound like she was getting in before returning to the door with her ear against it. His steps moved towards the kitchen, glancing at the tablet she saw the Captain hadn't disconnected the call. "I… I didn't know who to call." Her voice was low enough that the shower could drown it out.

"Where are you Jane?" She noticed how he kept his voice low as well, understanding what was happening. Without thinking she gave him the address, directions, everything she could to help him get here faster.

"I only have 15 minutes before he tries to take down the door…."

"Is there a window?"

"No… It… I… I can try to buy some time…."

"I can be there soon, whatever you do, don't anger him." With a click the call ended, though it wasn't from either hanging up, the tablet shut down, she cursed internally at not charging it when she should have. Lifting herself up with the help of the sink, she rinsed her hair, looking as though she managed a small amount of showering time, splashing a bit of water on her skin. Glancing at the tablet on the ground, she ground her teeth as she silently opened the toilet lid, placing it in the tank, before closing it and turning off the shower. With a shaking hand she opened the door, he was sitting at the edge of the bed when he looked at her.

"You hardly did anything!" He all but jumped off the bed grabbing her by the hair making her squeal as he dragged her back to the bathroom, making her look in the mirror.

"I'm.. I'm sorry, my legs are tired, I just-" He yanked at her again, turning on the shower before tossing her in, her head smacking against the tile making black spots appear in her vision. He grabbed the shower head and brought it down to her, the water was ice cold making it hard to breath. She tried to cover her face, but he only smacked her, grabbing her wrist and throwing it off to the side.

"Don't. Fucking. Move." He grabbed the front of her gown, which was now in tatters from the hours just before and tore it off of her. Grabbing her head he pushed her forward, she tilted her head and gasped against the small pool of water on the bottom of the floor, water from the shower was trickling over her hair and into her nose, making her choke on the water. She tried to move, just a little to breath, but another hit came, and another. She could hear the thunk of the shower head hitting the wall. She coughed and tried to tell him to stop as he kicked her in the chest, she was trying to breathe but nothing was working, especially with how cold she was.

There was a loud scream, but it wasn't from her, then another, then something crashing and voices screaming. Opening her eyes she slowly crawled out of the shower, coughing and trying to breathe once more, it was then she noticed the shattered glass, looking out the door there were so many people, and someone was running to her, with a blanket in hand dropping it over her shoulders.

"You're ok, Jane. You're ok." Her eyes fluttered and no matter how hard she tried to look up, she couldn't see his face, couldn't see who came for her.

"The only people to know where I would be and when would be anyone on the Normandy….." She closed her eyes, her other hand grasping her's and Garrus's. "And Kaiden Alenko…. We previously had a fling, so he knew a little more than the others before I cut it off." She opened her eyes and looked at Garrus. The moment she saw him, she was drawn to him in a way she didn't think was possible. "I need to know… If there's any chance, even slightly…."

"I'll get it done." Victus's voice was low, she could hear the guttural growl coming from him, looking at him, she could tell he wasn't angry at her. Looking at Castis and Solana, they were equally as angry. With a click of his mandible and a nod of his head, he left the room with Castis. Solana stood there not sure what to do, her hands clenched and unclenched as she stared at the floor.

"Would you like a coffee?" Solana's voice is low.

"Please." She knew Solana just wanted a moment to collect herself, didn't blame her really.

Looking back down at Garrus, she reached out to his face, her fingers brushing along his mandibles, as much as she wanted to run, as much as the darkness in her body wanted to take over, just looking at him, knowing he was still alive, gave that small flicker of light more power than she thought would be possible, considering all she ever knew was darkness. Her eyes traced over every inch of his face before landing on his eyes. They were the purest blue she could ever dream of. She could see the storm on the ocean forming in them, and yet she could see the silver that reminded her of steel. She smiled, they were honestly breathtaking, then her smile dropped, she blinked a few times as she stared.

She wasn't remembering his eyes….


	5. Fight

It was only for a moment, but she saw the bluest eyes stare back at her, though unfocused, her heart quickened at just the fact he had opened them. She felt her body be lurched back, her hand ripped out of his, the air leaving her lungs before she could utter a word. Something covered her mouth as her elbow connected to the body behind her. The arm around her shoulders dropped as did her legs, she crawled back over to the bed, hoping to reach the nurses button. She saw Garrus' hand reach almost in slow motion towards her, she lurched forward again, her head hitting the floor making her vision blur, glancing behind her, her eyes widened in horror as she saw the angered face. She tried to kick again but he moved out of the way, he pushed off the wall, the cloth back in his hand as he wrestled with her, spots formed in her vision, she could smell something sweet, she tried to flair her arms, but they grew weaker with each breath, her eyes looked up and the last thing she saw was the desperation in Garrus' eyes. They both thought he was dead, that he perished in the final fight with the reapers.

Conrad was alive.

X-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

He was angry? Livid? Furious? Whatever it was, he was beyond it. Liara had contacted him almost 24 hours ago, and now they were on their way to Palaven. Eve had no issue with staying behind to keep everything going on Tchunka, and he hated leaving not only her, but the family behind, but Shepard, she was everything. She had brought him to the point in his life where it was possible to have a family, to have Tchunka back. She was just as, if not more important than anything. After picking up Jack, they met in the CIC, with Liara at the map.

"How do we know it's him? What if it's just the puny Illusive Man." He felt the vibrations in his chest from trying to control the anger from going towards them, but he knew they were just as angry as he was.

"Wrex, you know Javik and EDI, as well as myself, would not miscalculate. Plus, Miranda would know how the Illusive Man works." Liara crossed her arms over her chest, he inwardly chuckled at the fact that before all this, she used to be this damsel in distress, now, now she was one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy, even if she just delved in information.

"Yes, but Kaiden? Conrad? Really? They've been out of the fight longer than they've been in the Alliance." Grunt laughed with him while the others rolled their eyes.

"Well, the lost puppy did have a thing for the Commander for years, even when they were just training in the Alliance. Kaiden would do anything for her, even if he can't see it as wrong. And Conrad? I'd break my hand just to hit him once." Joker spoke over the comm, his annoyance clear to everyone. Joker and Shepard had a sister brother love that the entire crew knew. She never saw him as a cripple, she saw him as a person, that only grew over the years as they fought side by side, he also harboured some guilt from leaving her behind on earth.

"She would do the same for us." Grunt stared at the map, watching the Normandy move closer to Palaven. "Hell, she could have flushed me into space, instead she saw potential, something I didn't see in myself for years to come."

"Well," He walked forward resting his hands on the railing, they were only a few hours away from Palaven, they would have contacted someone, but the more quiet they kept this, the better chance they had. "We know she is on Palaven, but do we know she is with him? They both took it hard over the years."

"Wrex, if he had any inkling, any at all, he would've distance himself in any way possible. He would risk his own life to save her. Especially if it meant he could work without eyes on him." Liara stepped off and walked towards him. "She went to him. As much pain as there would be, she would have gone, maybe not as a lover, but she would have done the same for any of us, even if we haven't been there for her…"

"Well, let's go save the two lovebirds, can't have Lola doubting herself." James highfived Grunt.

-6 hours, Palaven Dock-

With a few trusted crew, they all left the Normandy. Liara had figured out where Garrus' was staying. They knew the family would be there and to their surprise as was the Primarch.

They had made their way to the far side of the station when Wrex stopped, and a few seconds later, so did Grunt.

"Boys?" Liara and the rest stopped, looking confused at their sudden stop. "We are kind of-"

"Shepards here." Wrex's voice came out confused and angry, why would she be at the station?

"That's impossible. We know she wouldn't suddenly walk off." Jack scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"No, she's here." Grunt tilted his nose to the air. "Her scent is unmistakable."

As they bickered amongst themselves, Wrex looked around the busy station, mostly Turian, a few Salarian, then he stopped, humans had come to Palaven, sure, but this group. There were 6 of them, with 2 pushing a bed. Their armor was all black, small firearms on each of their sides. The one closest to the bed was looking around nervously, then stopped when he spotted him staring. Without thinking Wrex ran, with Grunt following soon behind and then the rest. He watched as the small group rushed towards the ships, trying to look as though they were just trying to get to their ship but their hands moved to their firearms. Then another familiar scent licked his senses making him growl.

"Jack, stop them from leaving." From the corner of his eye he saw a blue flash, watching it as it stopped in front of the door to the ship. Collectively they all stood a few feet from each other, each watching each other's hands, though he didn't reach for his. "Liara, call the Primarch." Wrex was pissed, he thought he was angry before but now that he knew the ungrateful humans were trying to sneak out, he was almost seeing red. Slowly, he walked towards the small group of humans. "Now, we can do this easily with no one getting hurt." They slowly withdrew their weapons making him smile. "Or we can do it the fun way." He let out a guttural laugh as he charged forward, his own biotics forming around him as a second skin. Bullets ricocheted off him and he paid no attention, he needed to get to her, and fast before she became another casualty.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It seemed to happen in less than five minutes, but he knew it had been almost a full 2 hours. One minute Castis and himself were having a discussion for the next course of action with Garrus, the next they heard screams and a cry from a turian. Without thinking both of them bolted to Garrus's room to find Solana trying, and failing, with a fellow doctor to restrain the young turian. There was no Shepard, there was a scent he couldn't place, almost burning his nose. He snapped out of it and went to the turians side with Castis trying to stop him from flaying about. Letting out an alpha nose through his chest, Garrus stopped and looked at him. There was fear in the young man's eyes, something he had not seen since the first time he lost Jane. Placing a hand on his chest, maintaining eye contact, he stilled.

"Speak, Garrus, what's wrong?" The room seemed to still at his authoritative voice.

"J….Ja….Jane…."

"Yes she's here, she will be back-" Solana tried but he waved her off, watching Garrus. He could feel the keenness for her, as though…

"She was taken?" Garrus only nodded his his chest, Garrus laid back down, grabbing onto his hand. "I will find her." He felt Garrus and watched how his body slightly relaxed. Just as he was about to call his men, an anonymous call came through.

"Primarch? Victus?" It was a female voice, he could hear fighting in the background as well as screams.

"Yes."

"The Niral Station, they have Jane."

"I'll be there in 10." He clicked his mandible to Castis. "Solana, stay here, only the treating doctor is allowed in, no one else until I return." With that he moved with Castis, all but sprinting as he called a few of his trusted men to meet him at the station. He just hoped he would get there in time.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Who was shouting? Why, why would she hear guns? Her eyes, throat and nose burned as she tried to open her eyes. Everything hurt, especially to breathe, with a shaking hand she reached for her face. Was there a cloth on her face? Why was she laying down? Garrus? Where was Garrus. Her heart hammered in her chest, she remembered fighting, his eyes opening, the fear she saw and she felt. Pulling the cloth from her face she slowly sat up. Flashing lights were everywhere, people were shouting and she could hear the echoing of gunshots, rolling to her side she gasped and winced at the pain of falling on the floor. Where the hell was she?

She jerked as she felt a hand on her shoulder, she saw a black helmet but no face, with a shaking hand she let her biotics fling the person away from her. Backing away she tried to focus as her back hit something.

"Sh….Pa…..She….Rd…." Squinting her eyes she focused towards the voice. "SHEPARD!"

"wrex?" Her voice came out straggled, low, and it hurt everything in her to speak.

"GET. UP!" His voice came clear in her head, she knew he was shouting at her, she knew she had to get up, but it hurt, everything hurt.

"GET UP JANE!" This time it was Liara's voice, why were they here, what…

Reaching behind her, she took the deepest breath she could and smacked the back of her head onto the thing behind her, her vision blacked for a second before coming into focus. There were people running and screaming away from them, she could see Liara, Wrex, Grunt and Jack all firing, looking around she noted 5 soldiers in black around her firing at them. She looked back to where she threw the one soldier, they were getting back up, aiming at Liara when James came into view, his knee connecting with the head making the soldier fall limp to the side, then gun fire was on him.

Slowly she stood, she could see a few civilians on the ground, but they were facing away from her, whoever these people were, they didn't care about anything around them, they wanted her. Before she could do anything, one of the soldiers stepped in front of her. Their biotic field was up allowing the bullets to bounce off.

"Tell them to stop shooting." The voice was a little low, but she knew it, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on edge as she watched them. They raised a gun to her head, and she looked at them past the barrel. "Tell them to stop shooting Shepard." She watched as the visor to the helmet opened revealing his face. Her eyes widened at his hardened face, this was not the same Kaiden from years ago, the first time in training. The face that now stood in front of her reminded her of Kai Leng, the pure enjoyment but stoic in the moment. Off the left side of his shoulder she saw turian soldiers coming into the station, but the one in front stood out, where black, grey and red as he and the soldiers ran full force to join her team. Her eyes flickered back to Kaiden, who tilted his head.

"No." To her surprise, it came out more convicted, angry, because she was angry. How dare he. He was shooting at family, and she, was angry. With what energy she could, she gave a large biotic push, throwing him over the small bed that she had been on. Her knees went to buckle, but no, she wouldn't let him get back up, not on his own. From the corner of her eye she saw a soldier pivot in her direction, lifting her arm a biotic shield came up, they managed to get a few shots before his head lulled to the side and their body dropped. She looked back at Kaiden who was trying to stand. She leapt over the bed, her fist charged with biotics as her fist landed against his chin, the loud crack rang out through the station. With a small ball of biotic power, she pushed into his face, the blue pulsed around him as he remained dormant, she hated using stasis. Glancing up she watched as slowly the last 4 soldiers held up their arms as Victus and 20 of his men aimed along with James, Liara, Wrex, Grunt and Jack. With lift she picked up Kaiden and hurled him to the Primarchs feet. He stepped over Kaiden as though it was just something on the ground as his men restrained him and the others, he sprinted towards her as her legs gave out and her head hit the floor.


	6. Take it, it's yours

Her eyes opened, the room was bright, wincing she brought her hand up to block it out. Sitting up she glanced around her, she was back at the hospital, swinging her legs over the bed, she looked down at her arm where the small iv was placed. With a deep breath she ripped it out cursing under her breath before standing. Her legs wobbled for a moment before they stopped. Making her way to the door, she opened it to find turian soldiers walking throughout the halls as well as 2 on her door.

"Commander! Get the Primarch!" One soldier ran off to the right, sprinting down the hallway. Looking to the other one he nodded his head. "Commander, you should stay in your room, the doctors-"

"Where is Garrus?"

"This way ma'am." For a second she thought it was odd that he just agreed to it, but she was sure Victus knew this was coming. They made their way down the halls when he stopped outside another door with 2 more soldiers. "I will wait here." He gave her a nod then the other two who moved aside.

With a shaking hand she pressed the button, watching as the door hissed opened. She took a few steps inside watching how Wrex, Grunt and Liara stood in front of his bed. Hearing the door hiss closed they all looked over to her, moving slightly to show Garrus sitting up, she didn't give a second to speak before she had wrapped her arms around his neck, she felt his shaking arms reach around her. She smiled as she felt his heat soak into her skin, it was nothing like what he used to be, but it was comforting all the same. For a few moments, no one said anything, she hadn't realized the relief that came over her until she held him, and for this briefest of moments in their lives, she didn't care about the past few years, she didn't care about it at all. Hearing someone clear their throat she jolted and stepped out of their embrace turning to face them, but it only took a second for Garrus to wrap his arm around her waist, securing her to his chest, she could feel his head resting on the back of hers.

"Long time Shep." Wrex stepped forward and hugged them both making her laugh at the awkward moment. Liara nodded her head to her as Wrex let them go, replaced by Grunt.

"I missed a good fight, though the Varren have a worse bite." She felt tears prick the corner of her eyes at his humor.

"I missed you too Grunt."

He let her go and patted Garrus on the shoulder earning a small hmph from him. She smiled at Liara again but she only held her hands up.

"My arms aren't long enough to wrap around both of you." This made them all laugh, even a silent chuckle from Garrus. The door hissed opened again and Castis, Victus and Solana walked through, she saw Jack and James in the hall, they gave a brief wave before the door closed again. Solana made her way through everyone to attempt to hug her, failing at the attempt she leaned against the bed, resting her hand on both of theirs, she hadn't realized she intertwined her fingers with his until Solana placed hers.

"What happened? One moment Solana was getting coffee, the next I was fighting someone, then there was the station, and well, now." She gestured to the small room with so many bodies.

"Shepard… Jane…" Liara gave her a sad look. "There's…. There is a reason we stopped contacting you."

She gave a nervous laugh. "You guys got busy, hell Liara you are the most important information broker…" She felt Garrus give her hand a squeeze. Was his reason the same?

"Maybe, but the amount of times Eve wanted to show you the little ones.." For the first time, Wrex's voice was longly, almost sad.

"Shepard." Victus took a deep breath and she watched them all avoid her gaze and Garrus's grip grow a little tighter. "The Illusive man is alive."

She didn't mean to, not really, but she instantly laughed, every emotion washing through her came out as strained laugh. She tried to cover her mouth to stop herself from laughing, but the longer she looked at their strained, guilt ridden faces she wanted to laugh more.

"Siha." The whispered word from Garrus silenced her. He very rarely used that would, almost never, but that word grounded her and he knew it. Knew by just saying it, it was real, because Thane meant so much to each of them, he grounded all of them without lies, without hurt.

"I shot him, on the Citadel just after he shot Anderson." Her voice trembled as she stared at their joined hands. "I don't miss, not that close. I saw his blood stain the glass."

"That was his clone, Jane." She looked up at Liara who brought up a file on her omni tool, projecting it onto the ceiling. "Just how he cloned you, he cloned himself, curious as to what would the outcome be, if he could succeed."

"How does that explain Kaiden? Or Conrad?" The mention at both names made the room tense. She looked at Castis and Victus, noticing their shoulders straighten. "They're here, aren't they?"

"Yes." Castis gave her a nod.

"The little pyjak is lucky they cuffed him when they did…" Wrex snarled and shook his head.

"Him?" Her eyes were wide as she stared at Wrex. "Who?"

"Kaiden. At the station." Wrex tilted his head, almost confused at her fear.

"Where's Conrad?"

"No one has seen Conrad, at least to our knowledge." Liara looked at her confused.

"No, HE was the one in the room, he was the one who knocked me out." She felt Garrus growl, and he held his hand tighter.

"Do you have a picture of this, Conrad?" Victus stepped forward tilting his head.

"I do." Liara tapped away on her omni-tool, sending off a small ping before it went to his omni tool.

"I will send it out to my soldiers and the doctors, if he is still in the building he'll be found." He nodded his head and left, Castis hesitantly followed.

Slowly the rest left them and it was finally just the two of them. She let herself lean into him fully, his head coming up to rest on her shoulder and she leaned against his. They stayed like that for a little while, comforting themselves in the way they knew. Finally she sighed and opened her eyes, tilting her head so she could see him better. His eyes were still closed but she knew he could feel her gaze.

"Is this why?" It was a whisper and a plea all in one, she needed her answers.

"Yes." She could hear the strain in the answer.

"You know I would have helped, I would have-"

"That's why." He sighed, his eyes still not opening, so she turned around in his arms, fully facing him, her shaking fingers grazing his face.

"Garrus... " Sighing once more he opened his eyes, and she couldn't help but smile and the blue that greeted her. Like the first day she finally got to look at them, they were still the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen, the same calm before a storm clashing with the waves and sky. "There you are."

"Jane…. After the fall.. After everything, to tell you the one man that caused you all that pain was still alive, none of us could bear it. We wanted to keep you safe, away from the fight, from it all, even if that meant…."

She smiled again, even through the tears. Pulling away from him, she moved to the bag off to the side, rummaging through it she took out his visor. Moving back in front of him, he brought his arms around her once more as she placed it back on him. Turning the visor on she felt his grip tightening, the picture of her angry and sad the day he left her popped up, she knew because that's how she wanted it.

"Garrus… I was angry that day because I knew you were hiding something from me, I was sad because you didn't trust me enough to tell me. That didn't mean I stopped loving you, it just hurt to love you because in that moment, I lost everything." She lifted the visor off of him, putting it on the small table beside them. "We promised each other, day one, to have each other back. That means through everything. My life, or your life, or the future lives we have, that fact never changes."

He closed his eyes and leaned in, his forehead touching hers as he breathed in her scent. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him in closer and she could feel his resolve break, hot tears hit her chest as he let out quiet sobs. They were both in so much pain, that would never go away, but together they could work through it, they survived through all of this, they could do this. To know that for this long, he still loved her, that he just wanted to protect her, brought down her own walls of anger.

"I'm sorry Jane…. I just… I just couldn't lose you again.. If that meant being away from you…"

"No more." She lifted his head off her chest and wiped the few tears, kissing each side of his face. "No more running. No more thinking we have to protect each other by being apart. No more. You can't lose me? I almost lost you because of this. I almost lost everything, you almost lost everything. You thought about just me, you didn't think about Solana, Castis…. About the future. Do you remember why I stopped letting you plan things?" He gave a soft chuckle.

"Because I don't see the end, just the beginning."

"So. We work through this, together."

"How? I left you in the dark, Jane. Just because we love each other, just because we're back, doesn't; mean it erases everything." He leaned out of her touch, letting a low aggravated growl.

"I didn't say it would be easy. I have my past, you have yours, together we found solace. We can do it again, it will just be harder." Her own voice wavered, was he really calling quits, after so long?

"Will you be able to forgive me?" His question hit her as though he physically just smacked her, the air came out of her lungs as she looked at him. He was right, everything over the years didn't just suddenly go away, her scars and marks wouldn't disappear because she believed them to be gone. The pain was still there, the fear of him leaving, of cutting her out was more still very much forward in her mind. Forgive him?

"Garrus." Her hands went to his face again, holding onto him as he tried to move out of them once more, his grip tightened on her waist as he got annoyed. "Garrus!" He stilled, and slowly opened his eyes.

She looked over him, the faded scar on the right side of his face, the clan marking faded across it. His sharp teeth and hot breath, the way his skin was both smooth and rough with the few scales and plates that accompanied his features.

"I forgave you the moment you opened your eyes. Will it be easy to move on? No, it never will be. But I am willing. I gave you my heart once, I will do it again." This time she cried, giving the best smile she could through the tears because yes, it was going to be hard, especially going after the Illusive Man, if they so choose. They had years to work through, to catch up on, so it was going to be difficult, more so than facing down the Reapers or Collectors, or even Saren, but she willingly wanted to walk into this danger, so long as she had him by her side. He finally let out a sigh, closing his eyes and resting his forehead to hers, she watched as his own tears fell and she closed her eyes. After a few moments he breathed the few words before pulling her in for a tighter embrace.

"I never let go of it, and I never took mine back."

A.N. Sorry, I had some mental health I needed to work on, still working on. I hope you enjoy and I will try to get more out in the next little bit, thank you for your patience.


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